Sometimes I wish I had a big 'ol broken leg or cancer or something that people see or hear about and they understand it.
Instead I suffer from schizoaffective disorder along with depression and ptsd with nightmares.
I know that you are just supposed to keep some things to yourself. I had always thought that if I told people that I hear voices of people I do not know in my own head, they would write me off as "crazy" or "nuts" or "disturbed".
Yes I hear voices and I get too sad and I have very bad paralyzing nightmares from trauma earlier in my life.
I want to feel "normal", I want to get off of these meds. I want to work again. I want to feel happy for more than just a little bit of time. I want to not be scared of the dark or scared of riding the bus with strangers. I want to not be bothered by crowds, strangers and strange surroundings. I want to not have my heart race for no reason and to feel a fear like no other for no reason at all.
I had a great psychiatrist that seemed to understand what I needed. I was honest with him. I hope that the new guy I see later this month is easy to talk to and to be honest with. Starting over with a new psychiatrist is no fun. I hope that things go well.
I guess I am writing this post so that I am not keeping my symptoms and problems inside of my head. I wish that people treated mental illness as an actual illness and I wish that people didnt tell you to ignore things that are going on that are negative, and I wish that people would understand that mental illness hurts just as much as a compound fracture of a bone.
One day I hope to be some sort of activist that can work with people that suffer from mental illness. I'd like to try to do my part to break the stigma. When someone has diabetes, and their blood sugar bottoms out, no one tells them "just get through it, just be strong, happiness is a choice" -- they help that person get some juice or their insulin. They don't say things behind the diabetic's back or chock them up as weak.
The only piece of advice that I know is important is that if someone counts on you as their safe person to talk to about how they are feeling, please make sure you can do that for them and answer their calls or visits when they need you. I am lucky there, I have my Husband, my Mom and my Sister as well as friends that have assured me that if I need them in the middle of the night, they will be there for me. My problem is remembering to actually reach out to them before it gets to be too much to deal with ....
Thanks for reading this, I just had to get this off of my chest.
