Being mentally ill is like...

Sometimes I wish I had a big 'ol broken leg or cancer or something that people see or hear about and they understand it. 

Instead I suffer from schizoaffective disorder along with depression and ptsd with nightmares. 

I know that you are just supposed to keep some things to yourself. I had always thought that if I told people that I hear voices of people I do not know in my own head, they would write me off as "crazy" or "nuts" or "disturbed".

Yes I hear voices and I get too sad and I have very bad paralyzing nightmares from trauma earlier in my life. 

I want to feel "normal", I want to get off of these meds. I want to work again. I want to feel happy for more than just a little bit of time. I want to not be scared of the dark or scared of riding the bus with strangers. I want to not be bothered by crowds, strangers and strange surroundings. I want to not have my heart race for no reason and to feel a fear like no other for no reason at all. 

I had a great psychiatrist that seemed to understand what I needed. I was honest with him. I hope that the new guy I see later this month is easy to talk to and to be honest with. Starting over with a new psychiatrist is no fun. I hope that things go well. 

I guess I am writing this post so that I am not keeping my symptoms and problems inside of my head. I wish that people treated mental illness as an actual illness and I wish that people didnt tell you to ignore things that are going on that are negative, and I wish that people would understand that mental illness hurts just as much as a compound fracture of a bone. 

One day I hope to be some sort of activist that can work with people that suffer from mental illness. I'd like to try to do my part to break the stigma. When someone has diabetes, and their blood sugar bottoms out, no one tells them "just get through it, just be strong, happiness is a choice"  -- they help that person get some juice or their insulin. They don't say things behind the diabetic's back or chock them up as weak. 

The only piece of advice that I know is important is that if someone counts on you as their safe person to talk to about how they are feeling, please make sure you can do that for them and answer  their calls or visits when they need you. I am lucky there, I have my Husband, my Mom and my Sister as well as friends that have assured me that if I need them in the middle of the night, they will be there for me. My problem is remembering to actually reach out to them before it gets to be too much to deal with .... 

Thanks for reading this, I just had to get this off of my chest. 

My New Blog

I welcome you to my new blog. I did not keep up on the old blog and wanted a new place to write down my thoughts and my day to day ramblings. 

Thank you for reading here, and feel free to comment as well. I have a facebook account and use it regularly, but I am hoping that this blog works out better than my last one did. 

We recently moved to Reno, NV. So far I love it here and it is going much better than the short time we spent living here in 2000. There is plenty to look at, plenty to do, and bus system that runs 24 hours a day. I am "scared" of riding the bus alone, but I have been doing better with it since my nephew has been gracious enough to ride with me. 

We were getting out for long walks and easy hikes, enjoying the warm weather with low humidity. I got a side/back ache about a month ago that I just now found out the reason for, so we have not been walking much for the past month and my weight and my joints show this lack of exercise. Hoping to get back out there very soon and explore more. It leaves me out of breath to do the hill walks, but I love that I can do them and Jim assures me that they will only get easier. 

I am tweaking the look of this new blog and then I will be back with a post about mental health. *hugs* to all that read here, and I hope to see you back again soon! 

--Angel